Betrayal
by outwittingsquirrels
Summary: Remus visits Sirius in Azkaban, though he doesn't quite know what he expects to hear from him. Very mild RLSB.


**Disclaimer: **luckily enough for all Remus/Tonks shippers, I don't own Harry Potter

The Dementors flee as I enter the ward; the guard's bright Patronus protecting and warming both me and the guard. I pretend not to notice the odd looks he gives me, the ones that wonder why a werewolf - for he knows what I am, obliged as I was to confess upon entering the prison - would come _here_ to visit a mass murderer, a traitor, a Death Eater. I don't blame the guard. I'd stare too, if the positions were reversed. For a strange, very brief moment I wish they were. I wish I was an Azkaban guard, forced to spend my days watching over depraved criminals and the monsters that watched over them for a pittance. Because then I wouldn't be a werewolf betrayed by a lover who'd lost everything.

I shake my head, as if to clear the thought. The prison has heightened my misery, my self-pity, my despair. But I've wallowed in that for far too long. That's why I've come here. For closure, no matter how overused the word has become. I come to a stop behind the guard, who turns to me now. He gestures towards a cell on our right but I don't dare yet look in.

'Black is there,' he says shortly. 'I'll be just down the hall. Do you want the cell door open?'

I bite my lower lip, uncertain as to my answer. Eventually I nod, though I'm sure I will regret it. The guard will be just down the hall, I tell myself to steady my nerves. The guard doesn't comment, but leaves with his Patronus. I still don't look into the cell - the door of which opens with a loud clanking sound when I approach it. Instead I keep my gaze on the stone floor, my mind on how cold it is without the warming presence of the guard's Patronus.

When I finally summon the courage to look up, I can't hide my shock. Sirius is lying, asleep it seems, on the damp ground, the rags of a blanket drawn tightly around him. He's shivering with the cold, even in sleep and his face twitches convulsively. His eyes are screwed up in something like pain. I swallow hard and try to remind myself that this is the man who betrayed us all. Who sold James and Lily to the Death Eaters and killed Peter without a moment's thought. I sit down on the floor beside his unconscious body and rest my head against the wall.

_You're supposed to hate him._

But I find it so hard to.

_He betrayed you. He left you._

I know all of this. I don't doubt that Sirius is as guilty as his life sentence says he is. I don't doubt that he is every bit as Black as the family he came from.

But I still love him. I hate myself for it. But I can't keep myself from reaching out my fingers and brushing a piece of matted black hair from his face, resting a hand on his forehead. He relaxes instantly when I touch him, his low, deranged muttering stops and his tense muscles loosen. I hate myself for giving him this brief respite, but I can't help myself. I know I will not wake him, I don't want to see the deadness I know is there behind his eyes. I don't want to talk to the Death Eater I still love. I don't want to know for certain that everything we had was a lie, an elaborate pretence.

'Remus.'

The hoarse whisper shocks me and I withdraw my hand immediately. A quiet groan follows. I glance at Sirius again, seeing with some surprise and no little anger, that he is awake. I look away quickly, staring determinedly at the cold wall opposite.

'Wh- why are you here?' he asks weakly. Some part of me recognises that his voice must be shocking, eerily empty and blank, but that doesn't really register. I grit my teeth and ponder the answer to his question. I seem to have forgotten. I knew why not half an hour ago. When I Disapparated from my flat I knew exactly why I was coming here. Or did I? Even with the Dementors held at bay, I find it difficult to think in this prison.

'I don't know,' I say honestly enough. There is a long moment of silence. I don't look at Sirius, but I can sense his gaze on me. Around us I can hear the demented laughter, low muttering and occasional screams of the other prisoners. I shiver a little in the cold.

'Why did you do it?' I ask eventually, my voice oddly even and reasonable. Why aren't I yelling at him? Why am I sitting here, perfectly calm, asking him with barely a hint of an accusation? Yet he stills flinches back from me.

'I didn't.'

He says this so quietly I barely catch it. My eyes flick up to him instantly. How could he _possibly _deny-

'I'd _never_ have betrayed Lily and J- James, Remus, I swear,' he continues, a desperate gleam in his eyes. 'I'd have rather died-'

'Then why are they dead?' It's more a statement than a question. I have no desire to hear the twisted rationalisation he's come up with to explain away his guilt, to maintain some semblance of sanity. I stand abruptly and look down at him with something like disgust. 'I really don't know why I bothered to come here.'

'N- no, Remus, you can't go. Please don't leave,' Sirius stutters. He's afraid, afraid I'll leave him here, afraid I've seen the guilt in his eyes, afraid the Dementors will return, afraid he'll die here in a cold, grey prison cell. He's fucking terrified and I hardly care anymore. After all he's done I can't believe he still expects me to care. I shake my head and make to leave.

'It was Peter. Peter was the Secret Keeper, Remus- Moony!'

I spin around at that. I haven't heard the charge against Peter, instead all I can hear is that name ringing in my ears. '_Don't you dare call me that_,' I spit at him.

'Remus-'

'You lost the right to call me that when you betrayed us. When you killed them. Why didn't you kill me?' The last sentence is a faint whisper and I don't wait to see his reaction to it. I sweep away from the cell, anxious to leave his company and that of the Dementors. His wretched screaming still echoes in my ears even as I Apparate back to the flat we once shared.

_AN: hope you liked it, I'm not too sure about it myself. And apologies for any mistakes regarding the tense; I'm not used to writing in the present tense._


End file.
